ADHD & Emotions
Why ADHD makes it hard to keep your sh*t together...
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Introduction
I’ll never forget my psychiatrist asking me this question during my assessment:
‘Do you have anger issues?’
I thought for about 2 seconds and then burst out, ‘hell yeh!’ Or some such.
For the first time, I realised that the life-long struggle I’d had with feeling either very angry or on the cusp of it, might be something to do with my suspected ADHD. I’d never thought of this before - it was a real light bulb moment.
That in itself was a key point on my journey towards understanding my own functioning to a much higher degree. ADHD and struggles with emotions go hand in hand!
Who knew?
Examples of emotional struggles with ADHD:
Here are 3 examples of the kinds of things that might be symptomatic of the ADHD persons’ struggles with emotion:
Over-reactions Some people with ADHD have a tendency to react strongly to criticism or rejection. For example, imagine being in a team meeting, a colleague makes a small, offhand comment about your report. Suddenly you feel instantly defensive, shout back and cause a bit of a scene. Later, you feel embarrassed and regret your reaction, not understanding why you ‘just did it’ without thinking, and start asking (again) why you struggle to control your emotions.
Tantrums at home: Let’s say you have a 14 year old son or daughter with ADHD. One evening, after hours of trying to concentrate on their homework and getting increasingly distracted and frustrated, they throw their books across the room and start shouting at you. You’re a bit shocked and don’t know why it happened or how to help, as they seem to be feeling overwhelmed by it all.
Unstoppable tears: It’s been a stressful day. When you get home, you have a minor disagreement with your partner; before you know it, you’ve burst into tears and then can’t stop crying - it seems to go on for hours. The intensity of the sadness you feel and the seeming inability to control your emotions leaves you feeling isolated and drained.
For me, the biggest challenge is trying to not feel angry all the time.
OK, so maybe it’s not quite all the time, but it does seem to be bubbling away just below the surface an awful lot! And it can be set off by the smallest, most seemingly irrelevant of triggers: dropping my pen, losing my keys, spilling my coffee, etc.
Now all these things are genuinely a bit annoying, but I feel incandescent with rage - almost like I want to smash up the room and burn everything down! I know, it’s nuts, right?!
But such can be the problems with emotional regulation in the context of ADHD.
Why People with ADHD Struggle to Deal with Their Emotions
Brain Structure and Function: People with ADHD often have differences in brain areas responsible for regulating emotions, such as the prefrontal cortex, which is crucial for decision-making and impulse control. These brain functions are sometimes referred to as the Executive Functions - think of them as being like the CEO of the body, or the pilot in the cockpit of the brain. These areas may be under active in people with ADHD, making it harder to manage emotional responses effectively.
Chemical Imbalances: ADHD is associated with irregular levels of neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals play significant roles in mood regulation and emotional stability. When these levels are off, it can lead to heightened emotional sensitivity and difficulty managing our feelings and emotions. Helping ADHD people - whether kids or adults - to see that this is what’s going on, can be the start of helping them to understand their own functioning and start the journey of doing something about it.
Impulsivity and Self-Regulation: Individuals with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, meaning they react quickly and intensely to situations without pausing to consider the consequences. This lack of self-regulation can spill over into the emotional realm, causing problems with managing the expression of feelings that might ordinarily not occur or at least remain out of sight. Just as I might say or do something impulsively, I might also express what I’m feeling without regard for how this might effect others or be received in the social context I happen to be in.
Sensitivity to Rejection: Many people with ADHD experience a much heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism, this is sometimes referred to as rejection sensitive dysphoria. Folk with this aspect of ADHD can feel quite intense emotional pain triggered by stimuli that may not upset a neurotypical person much at all. Like the first example in the anecdotes listed above, the person feels and reacts in a way that seems (and is) over the top. While at times this may cause social friction as others react to the reaction (!), it also causes real subjective discomfort, upset, even emotional pain for the person concerned.
Chronic Stress and Anxiety: Living with ADHD often involves constant stress from managing symptoms, meeting (& failing) expectations (both your own and other people’s), and coping with societal misunderstandings. For example, I find myself apologising a lot - and I mean a LOT - for forgetting things, missing deadlines and generally annoying other people with my failings. This can be really stressful and can exacerbate our emotional difficulties, making it harder to maintain emotional balance.
Strategies for Managing Emotions
For Individuals with ADHD
Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness exercises can help you stay calm and aware of your emotions before they become overwhelming. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through these practices. Personally, I use mindfulness most mornings - it’s the very first thing I do. It settles me and gives me chance to be quiet and consciously present in my body before the rush of the day begins.
Use a Feelings Journal: Writing down your moods and feelings and what triggered them can help you spot patterns and understand your emotions better. In turn, this can help you plan how to handle similar situations in the future, learn from things and perhaps be a little more deliberate in what you do next time. I’ve had periods of journalling and found it useful, though it’s never something I’ve managed to stick at for very long (unlike the mindfulness). Each to their own…
Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: I know, that can sound patronising, but it really isn’t. Large tasks can feel overwhelming. Breaking them into smaller, manageable steps can reduce anxiety and frustration, making it easier to stay calm and focused. I use ‘projects’ and ‘tasks’ respectively for this. Using my Notion task management system, I break bigger stuff down in to small, single tasks that feel more do-able. That way, I can start ticking things off pretty quickly, too, which feels more like progress than slogging away until I get the one big thing done.
Exercise Regularly: Physical activity can help regulate mood and reduce stress. Exposure to daylight and fresh air does no harm either. Even short, daily walks can have a significant impact on emotional well-being. Despite not managing to stick at it very consistently, I found that exercising first thing in the morning was possibly the best strategy yet for calming my agitation, stimming and improving focus.
Routine Routine Routine: A consistent daily schedule can provide a sense of stability and reduce anxiety, particularly if it includes time for relaxation and activities you enjoy. Again, this is not a natural state for those of us with ADHD, but it really does help to give us tracks to run on which can help to keep us, well…on track! I know, routine is a love/hate thing for ADHDers, but it’s a simple solution that can help us begin to calm the other stuff and keep us emotionally more settled.
For Those Who Support People with ADHD
Be Patient and Listen: When they are upset and their emotions get the better of them, listen without judgment. Sometimes, just being heard can make a big difference in helping them calm down. For me, one of the best helps with this is when my wife, Karen, just says gently, ‘you’re being very grumpy.’ I don’t feel judged, but it helps me see what’s happening from her perspective - because this matters to me, and because she does it in such a gentle way, it really helps me get a grip of myself and begin calming down
Encourage Professional Help: Support your ADHD loved one in seeking help from professionals who specialise in ADHD. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, coaching or trying medication, all these can provide them with tools to help manage their emotions more effectively. The regimen will be different for everyone but they can all help us if we give them a try.
Create a Supportive Environment: Encourage activities that reduce stress, by making time for and encouraging participation in things such as hobbies, exercise and social interaction. A positive and understanding environment can help individuals with ADHD feel more secure and less overwhelmed. If Karen says to me, ‘why don’t you go for a ride on your motorbike’ or ‘you haven’t seen ‘so-and-so’ for a while, you should pop in and see them’ this is so freeing. Often, when we’re feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally, we don’t think of these things ourselves, so an environment that does that for us is a massive help.
Encouragement: Acknowledging and celebrating small successes can boost self-esteem and emotional resilience as well as just cheering someone up! Positive reinforcement can also help build confidence and reduce feelings of inadequacy - those of us with ADHD often have a very harsh inner critic who gives us a really hard time. A softer, caring and encouraging voice can really cut through and make a big difference. If someone does better in a situation that has been tricky previously, point this out and comment on how well they did. It may seem small to you, but it can a big deal when the inner critic is already kicking the doors in.
Professional Help to Consider
Therapists and Counsellors: Therapies like CBT can help individuals with ADHD develop strategies for managing emotions, change negative thought patterns and build strategies to live differently. It may be that there are other underlying (co-morbid) conditions that are driving or contributing to the emotional struggle; therapy can help to properly and safely process and begin to unravel these.
Coaching: Qualified coaches who specialise in ADHD coaching can be brilliantly helpful. They are skilled at helping people to understand their own ADHD, gently and practically helping us navigate towards achieving the things we want in life, despite the challenges of our condition. See below for a coaching recommendation.
Psychiatrists: A psychiatrist can provide a thorough assessment and take a view about whether medication might be beneficial in managing ADHD symptoms and related emotional difficulties. They’re also able to identify and highlight any co-morbid conditions that are complicating things - this is vital in building a balanced and comprehensive treatment plan.
Support Groups: Joining a support group for individuals with ADHD can provide a sense of community and shared understanding. Listening to, learning from and just chatting with others who are in the same boat can be really comforting. This has been a massive strength to me! A simple web search for ‘ADHD support groups near me’ or similar is a good start. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support and maybe even friendship with others who know what it’s like to live with ADHD.
Medication: ADHD medication/s can be a significant help in allowing individuals to manage emotions more effectively. Once the regime is properly titrated and a routine established the emotions rollercoaster can feel much more under control - at least it did for me. Feelings are still real and sometimes painful or tricky, of course, but in a way that is much more manageable.
Final thoughts
As always, getting the right mix of help that works for the individual is key. It may take a while to land on the right combination of solutions and strategies, but you will get there.
If you’re supporting someone with ADHD, staying the course with them and being a source of reliable help, encouragement and patience is a massive positive - so much so that it can make the difference between keeping going or giving up.
For some medication will be central, for others it may not figure at all. Both are fine as long as they work. The over-reliance on medication is a pitfall, particularly if the promise of what it might offer is not realised or any side-effects make it not worth continuing with.
Looking back now, the ways of working, living and generally being that I’ve developed over the years have been the things that have made the biggest difference; as has being with someone who ‘gets me’ and sticks with me patiently in it all. It’s not all about the medication.
So, when you blow a gasket or otherwise lose the plot emotionally, remember, this too will pass. You’re on a journey towards increased stability, focus, achievement and peace in your life - it may take a while, but you’ll get there!
See you in the next one.
More information:
COACHING: Advance ADHD - run by my friend Penny Kennedy and highly recommended - click
BOOK: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home and in Relationships by Russell A. Barkley - click (affiliate link)
BOOK: The Myth of Normal: Illness, Health and Healing in a Toxic Culture (one of my top 10 best books ever) - click
BOOK: Scattered Minds - The Origins & Healing of ADHD - click here (affiliate link)
BOOK: ADHD 2.0 by Ed Halliwell & John Ratey - click here (affiliate link)
INFO: ADHD Homestead - here’s a search on the site for ‘emotions’ - lots to read! - click
Some of these are ‘affiliate links’ - this means I get a small reward of you buy something, but it won’t cost you anything!
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